Friendship and checking in
A practical guide to asking a friend how he's really doing — and what to do with the answer.
This mixes personal perspective with general information. It isn’t medical advice — talk to a qualified professional about your situation.
Most of us aren’t trained counsellors, and nobody is asking you to be one. Checking in on a friend isn’t therapy. It’s just making it a bit easier for him to tell you the truth.
Noticing
Sometimes you’ll just have a feeling. Other times there are signs: he’s gone quiet in the group chat, he cancels more than usual, he’s drinking more, he’s angrier, he’s stopped doing things he used to love, or he makes jokes about not being around.
You don’t need proof before you ask. A caring question is rarely the wrong move.
Asking
Pick a moment that isn’t rushed. Side by side often works better than face to face — a drive, a walk, a game, a gig.
- Start light: “You seem a bit off lately. Everything alright?”
- If you get “I’m good,” ask twice: “Yeah? How are you really doing?”
- Be specific if you can: “You mentioned things are rough with work. How’s that going?”
Listening
This is the bit that matters most.
- Let silences happen. Don’t rush to fill them.
- Don’t jump to fixing, advice, or “at least.” Just let him finish.
- Reflect back what you hear: “That sounds like a lot.”
- Thank him for telling you. It probably wasn’t easy.
Helping him take a next step
If things are tough, gently ask what might help. Talking to a doctor? Seeing a counsellor? Telling someone else close to him? Offer something practical — sitting with him while he books an appointment, driving him there, checking back in a few days.
If he mentions suicide or not wanting to be here, take it seriously. It’s okay to ask directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Asking won’t put the idea in his head. If the answer is yes or maybe, stay with him and contact help together. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 — the Lifeline also supports people who are worried about someone else. If he’s in immediate danger, call 911.
Following up
The second check-in is often more powerful than the first. A text a few days later — “Been thinking about our chat. How are you going?” — tells him it wasn’t a one-off and you’re still there.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone can be heavy. You’re allowed to talk to someone about it too, and you’re allowed to say what you can and can’t do. Being a good friend doesn’t mean carrying it all on your own.